Caught
by Sfortuna
Summary: It's kind of funny that none of the Autobots have happened upon some more...private human moments. Until now. Naughtiness happens in multiple situations with multiple "pairings."
1. Sam & Optimus

**Caught: Optimus Prime & Sam Witwicky**

**-Sfortuna**

**-Transformers-**

The problem with your girlfriend breaking up with you is that utter lack of any female sexual contact. Sam could be described as a lot of things, but free and easy with his affections was not one of them. He had never been into the one night stand, collecting chicks scene that seemed to be the goal of the majority of the male population at college. Whether or not they actually believed in it or just talked it up in order to outdo other guys, a completely different story. Sam Witwicky was not that kind of dude, so with Mikaela his now ex-girlfriend he had to turn to his first friend in these matters. Good ol' right hand. Another problem occurred in this scenario: since he no longer had a girlfriend his roommate, Leo, was not amenable to being sexiled so his roomie could get his rocks off.

Leo's opinion on this matter, as he told it to Sam, "Welcome to single-dom again bro. Take care of it in the showers like the rest of us poor lonely freshman."

Avoiding frats, not having any luck with the female population on campus, Leo being utterly uncooperative, and feeling just plain weird about masturbating in an bathroom with at least 10 other showers and rows of sinks... Sam found himself beyond frustrated. After finishing out the school year with no girlfriend, his brain still pulling off freaky fast memorization and comprehension, and his parents helping him move back home Sam could be said to be more than ready for some alone Happy Time.

Just try telling that to his alien robot car.

"Listen Bee, I love you, you know that." Sam stood outside with his hands pressed together in prayer fashion in front of his face, barely holding together what patience he had. "But I've been living in a building full of girls and guys my own age and that does crazy things to a person. Especially to me. I'm used to just dealing with the dogs and my parents, and now you. But all these barely adult kids? All those hormones and pheromones and other biological stuff floating in the air? It's driven me a little nuts so I just need a little personal time."

Sam finished his monologue with an uptight sigh. Bumblebee, incognito as a very expensive Camaro, noticeably drooped on his tires.

"I understand Sam." Of course the scout didn't really, but he had spent enough time with Sam to know that not understanding and weirdness were just part of the norm for the budding adult. As usually happened, either Bee would come to an understanding of what was going on via the internet or Sam would eventually explain things. After some time and cooling down of course.

"Thank you. So could you please just, drive around the block or something? Some space? I want to make the most of my parents being gone, I'm lucky Dad got Mom to leave the house for a romantic dinner or whatever it is they do in the evening." One of his hands dropped to his side while the other pinched the bridge of his nose.

Bumblebee made a low cooing noise, wishing he could help ease the tension that vibrated in Sam. His human friend didn't take well to unlooked for and unwanted help so he simply complied with his wishes and slowly drove off. Sam watched from the driveway, just to be sure that his guardian was actually driving off into the night, before running into the house with relief coursing through his system. As he pounded up the stairs, suppressed arousal drove away the relief and left him half-hard and ready for Sam's Happy Time. Self consciously checking his windows that his parents hadn't come back incredibly early or that Bee hadn't snuck back, he picked up Mojo and dumped him in the hall. After closing and locking the door he collapsed on his bed and just relaxed into the covers.

Sam kicked off his shoes and just let the warm arousal course through his body without the worries that Leo or one of his friends would waltz into the room unannounced. Or that his Mom or Dad would yell up the stairs for him. Or that Bumblebee would transform and peek into the window to see what his human friend was up to.

"Thank God..." Sam sighed as he slowly reached for his belt buckle and undid the steel and leather restraints. Savoring the freedom of his movements, he slipped the metal button out of the jean hole and lowered his zipper. Already half-hard, his cock bobbed in the less restraining material of his boxers, trying to peak through the slit. He curled his left arm around his stomach, straightened his right leg out and triangled his left in so that his knee pointed away from his body. Sam snuggled down into the bedding, now in his favored masturbation position, and let his left hand stroke across his lower abdomen. While no athlete, his stomach was flat and there were slight dips in the shape of a six pack. He had loved it when Mikaela would kiss and nibble her way down it, the skin soft and sensitive. He moaned as his hand mimicked the explorations of another, and his right hand edged his jeans and boxers down until he needed both hands to pull them over his now fully hard dick.

His right hand curled around the angry-looking flesh as his left scraped their nails through the thin trail of hair between his navel and pubes. An elongated groan escaped his lips as he closed his eyes and arched into his own hands. Sam was immediately lost to the long-anticipated sensations and therefore oblivious to the Peterbilt that stealthily pulled up to the Witwicky household and changed into a much larger bipedal robot. Alerted by the sounds coming from the open windows, Optimus Prime walked over to Sam's room and peeked into the windows, half-afraid of what he would see. It was clear to him that Sam was not in pain; it appeared to the Cybertronian that the reasons for the human sounds were from the self-stimulation he observed.

Sam gripped his cock firmly and set up a slow stroke, palming the head on the upstroke and smearing the thin fluid there. His left hand continued to play with his stomach, tracing the indents of muscle and thumbing hipbones, occasionally going so far down as to tug on his pubes for a little titillating pain. His hips slowly rocked into the sensations he evoked from his body and smiled at the relief that was in his near future. He alternated the squeezing pressure on his dick in preparation for increasing his speed.

Tilting his head in curiosity, not for a minute thinking that his watching could be considered invasive at the very least, Optimus searched the internet for a name for the activity that Sam participated in. Eventually he found not only a name, but descriptions on technique, videos, pictures, requests... Masturbation. Self-pleasure. This was how human males relieved sexual tension when they could not, or would not, find a partner, willing or otherwise, to participate in sexual acts with. It made sense to Optimus; he knew that Mikaela and Sam had aroused each other and it was probable that they had taken that arousal to it's inevitable conclusion. With Mikaela gone and Bumblebee reporting that Sam did not engage in such activities with another female, it only made sense that such urges, after remaining unfulfilled, needed to be taken care of. It was a simple biological need that didn't have an exact equivalent to Cybertronians, but was surprisingly easy to understand.

Sam sped up the motions of his right hand, letting the fingers of his left dig into his side as he half-hugged himself and breathed heavily. Sweat beaded on his forehead and unshaven face, formed under his arms and on his chest, and his muscles rhythmically contracted and relaxed. Optimus watched him as he squirmed on the bed, every movement aimed at increasing his own pleasure. Sam flicked at the sensitive underside near the head, gasped and shuddered, and his eyes involuntarily opened.

For a minute nothing registered in his brain. Then his bedroom and the head of Optimus Prime outside his window impressed upon his foggy mind and his actions abruptly came to a stop. Sam jerked into a seating position, hand cradling his raging erection with the opposing needs to finish what he started and hide it from Optimus. Sweat dripped down his nose in those few seconds that it took him to fully realize what exactly was going on.

"Optimus? What are you doing?" he asked in a strangled voice. His shoulders shook from repressed need and he gripped his cock harder to keep from absentmindedly stroking himself. As embarrassed as he should have been, and wanted to be, he had been waiting for this for way too damn long and needed relief _now_.

"I came to speak with you and was worried when I did not see Bumblebee. When I heard the sounds coming from your room I became afraid that something was wrong." the Autobot leader answered truthfully.

"As you can see, I'm a little busy right now." His hips twitched into his hand and he groaned, feeling his cheeks heat in embarrassment. The movement brought Optimus' attention down to Sam's crotch, which did nothing for Sam's current state.

"Yes, I can see that. I am curious to see what masturbation looks like in a personal setting. The videos I have found are strangely... staged."

Sam sighed, his body twitching in unrelieved arousal. "That's because most of the stuff on the internet is porn, and supposed to be watched. They're staged to fulfill certain fantasies." Over the years Sam had found that getting angry and incredibly upset in such situations never resolved anything. So he strived to speak as logically as he could when explaining matters. It just really really _really_ sucked when he had to explain something awkward. "This is supposed to be private, which is why I sent Bumblebee away. And why I waited until my parents weren't home."

Optimus cocked his head for a better angle on the shivering young adult. "My apologies Sam. I simply thought it best to learn from an unpolluted source."

Sam existed on a hair-trigger at this point. "Listen," He paused as he found that his thumb circled the mushroom like head of his dick, adding to the trembling and aching. "I'm going to let this slide and you can finish watching under two conditions; one, you don't tell _anyone_ about this. And I mean _anyone_. If you ever have any questions about this you ask me _in private_. Two, let me finish in peace and quiet!" His left hand fisted the covers by his hip.

"I am amenable to those conditions. Please, continue."

Sam exhaled gustily and tried to ignore that he had just agreed to let a robot, _Optimus fucking Prime_, watch him jack off. And then he thanked God that he had not gotten so embarrassed as to lose his erection and then wait for another opportunity. Blue balls would become a horrible reality if Sam did not take care of this issue right this very second.

Rearranging his pillows and getting back into his favored position, Sam ran his left hand soothingly down his own chest and closed his eyes. He slipped back into that wonderful dark place of pleasure almost instantly. After two strokes he hurriedly pushed his shirt up to his neck so wouldn't get any come on it. He let his left hand massage around his pubic bone as his right got to that perfect grip and quick pace that would bring him off. He sweated and shuddered, his hips thrusting in time to the jerking of his hand, not bothering to stifle his moans and occasional sharp cry of delight.

Optimus zeroed in on Sam's body, finding himself unaccountably flustered. Is this what humans did to pleasure themselves? The videos he had quickly scanned in his internet search had all seemed so degrading but this... there existed a shameless honesty in it. In a way, it endeared Sam to Optimus.

Inhaling sharply, Sam's breath hitched as at last the the ache exploded in his balls and lower spine to a dizzying pleasure that whited out the backs of his eyelids and stiffened his every muscle. Only vaguely did he feel his come pulse onto his chest, stomach, and slide down his cock to his grasping hand. His body abruptly slackened and let the last of the sensations lazily course through his veins. Sam gently caressed his softening dick and sighed in relief. There was nothing that a good jerk couldn't solve.

He opened his eyes and reached out for the tissues on his nightstand to wipe away the evidence. He felt like he should be disconcerted at the way Optimus stared unblinkingly at him. Except everything was now so much better in his world so it didn't really matter that the Autobot leader was technically eyeing his goods after watching him get off. At least it wasn't another near-death experience, right?

"So. How was that?" Sam rasped, finding his mouth parched and dropping into a lower register than what he usually spoke in.

The Prime struggled to find the correct wording; something suitably complimentary without sounding too... what was the word? Perverted. Complimentary but not creepy.

"Rivetingly educational," the Cybertronian replied.

Sam laughed as he tossed the tissues in the nearby trash can and enjoyed the laxness in his body. He knew he would have to pull his shirt back down and pull his pants up but figured he had at least a few more minutes to shamelessly enjoy himself.

"Thanks, I guess. Just remember what you promised." Sam smiled at Optimus as a stray thought came to mind. "You know, it's funny you guys never caught anyone before. I mean, you hang out with soldiers most of the time and they're pretty, uhm, explicit a lot of the time. And when Mikaela and I were dating, well, insatiable would be a good description of what was going on there."

Optimus rumbled a sound that was more likely than not a chuckle. "Bumblebee has 'caught' you and Mikaela engaging in sexual acts before. He was simply too embarrassed to mention it. Or watch, for that matter."

Sam huffed a sigh of annoyance, but didn't really feel it the way he should have. Mikaela was out of his life, Bumblebee was too shy to talk about sex with him, and Optimus Prime had watched him masturbate. Life was strangely okay at this moment.

**-Transformers-**

I blame Michael Bay for reminding me of my childhood cartoons and revamping them into awesome. Sure, the _Transformers_ movie franchise isn't the greatest, well, anything really, but it tickles my funny bone and has ass-kicking robots turning into hot cars and military vehicles. I can't help that I'm shameless in playing with toys that aren't mine. And Shia LaBeouf, no matter what you have to say about his acting abilities (or possible lack thereof) is dorkily cute. I mean, the guy _was_ on the Disney channel for crying out loud.


	2. Will & Ironhide

**Caught: Ironhide & Will Lennox**

**-Sfortuna**

**-Transformers-**

"Are you sure man? We've been going at it pretty hard this past month. If anyone needs a few and a game of drunken darts then you're it." Epps looked up from his dinner in the mess hall and point his fork at his superior officer. "If I know you, you'll hole up in that dinky little office that you avoid like the plague and work on two weeks of overdue paperwork."

Lennox frowned at his friend, then down at his plate. He shoved the bland unknown meat around in it's sauce/gravy mixture. The food really could be a whole lot better considering the budget they got for saving the world from Decepticons. But that was the military for you. He sighed and popped a bite of the stuff in his mouth, ignoring the not-great and not-bad flavor.

"C'mon, go to the bar with us. It's gonna be pretty cool. Tons of alcohol, bad jokes, and drunken fun to go around." Epps cajoled between bites of soggy green beans.

"That's okay man." Lennox pushed away the plate and cradled his drink in one hand. "I'm really just going to relax on base. I'm planning on hitting the papers this weekend."

"For real?" Epps grimaced at the watery mashed potatoes but ate them anyway. "I really think you'd feel better if you came out with us."

"I just need some time to myself Epps, it's no big." Lennox shrugged and finished off his Coke.

"Ohhhhh!" His friend grinned in a way that a shark would envy. "Time alone hey? Got it." He winked at the Major and settled his silverware on his tray. "In that case, have fun!"

Lennox sat there for a moment and then groaned in realization of what Epps thought he was up to. "That's not what I meant." he muttered ineffectually to his still mostly-full tray. Heaving yet another sigh he stood and took his tray to be emptied and cleaned by the mess staff. He nodded hellos to the soldiers he knew and left the mess/recreational building.

Evenings on Diego Garcia tended towards cool, even in the summer, yet not so much that his long-sleeved Under Armor struggled to keep him warm. He saw the units gathering near the motor pool to walk towards the on-base bar and smiled at the antics that groups of soldiers always got up to. He watched as one sergeant caught another in a headlock and pretended to spit shine the bald head in his grip. The groups laughter drifted on the the soon-to-be night air and Lennox felt a little better. Sure, he hated being away from Sarah and Annabelle for as long as the NEST tours lasted (with little chance of leave), but they were the front line defense against the Decepticons. Sometimes being important bit big hairy ones.

He wandered towards the Autobot's hangar, feeling a little lost even though his intentions were to relax in his bunk and possibly write a nice, long letter to Sarah full of apologies and wishes for a visit. As he neared the partly open doors, Ironhide stepped out and caught sight of the major.

"Hey Ironhide!" Lennox waved at the black and chrome Cybertronian.

"Will."

A robot of few words, but nevertheless proving himself a very loyal companion and fellow soldier. Lennox had lost count of how many times Ironhide had helped him and his men out of sticky situations. Lennox tried to repay the favor as best he could in as many ways as he could.

"I'm going to do some night target practice. Want to come with?"

Thinking about it for only a minute, Lennox agreed. "I need to grab my gun and some mags though."

In reply, Ironhide transformed down into his vehicle mode, the black GMC Topkick blending into the deepening gloom quite well. Lennox got in and Ironhide took them by the barracks, where his human friend picked up his M-4, two extra full magazines, and his night sights. He put the magazines in one of the numerous BDU pant pockets and settled back into Ironhide's seats. The Autobot firing range was further away from the base than the human range in deference to the much different and usually more powerful weapons. At the range he hopped out of the vehicle so Ironhide could change into his bipedal form. As Ironhide made some last minute safety checks on his cannons, Lennox attached his night sights, the sun finally below the horizon and leaving a false sunset behind. He did a last minute check to be sure nothing was jammed and then cocked a shell into the chamber.

"Ready when you are pal." Lennox called out.

"Good!"

Without warning, Ironhide took a split second to aim downrange, then fired at one of the many pieces of junk that were the Autobot's targets. The slight blowback tugged at Lennox's hair and clothes, but otherwise didn't bother him. He took a standing position a few feet away and picked out targets of his own: side and rearview mirrors on cars, writing on old barrels, the insignia on ancient decommissioned fighter planes. He shot with all the distraction that Ironhide's cannons typically caused and tended to be on target more often than not. When he was out he stepped back from the range and cleared his weapon. He sat back on some of the grass that managed to survive the constant Autobot traffic and observed. As a guy who joined the Army early and aimed almost immediately for the Rangers, he had a deep-seated appreciation for all kinds of firepower. For the first time that day he felt pleasure as the lingering smell of gunpowder, discharged ozone, and blasted metal wafted around.

With his hands on the M-4 laying across his lap, it was a small matter for one of them to slip down to the fabric bunched around his crotch and stimulate the interested flesh beneath. The smells and the destructions and damn but he missed his wife... Lennox breathed evenly, in through the nose, out through the mouth, grabbing his cock and wiggling into his own hand. He felt the aroused twitching and smiled up at the stars as he began to bring himself to full hardness.

After almost a full minute of silence he noticed Ironhide checking his cannons and figured that he was done with target practice for the evening, so Lennox reluctantly let go of his erection with a parting squeeze.

"Done for the night big guy?"

"Yeah," Ironhide grunted, "I caught the Twins messing with one of my cannons when I had it off for cleaning and repairs. Wanted to make sure that I fixed everything they tweaked with."

"Looked good from here." Lennox slung the M-4 over his shoulder and eased up from the ground. He couldn't help but wince as the movements put pressure on his erection. Chances were very good that the guys would still be gone by the time Ironhide got him back to the barracks, an hour having barely passed, so he would have enough time to get off, get clean, and be doing something else when the first drunken soldier found his way back.

"Will? Are you injured?" Ironhide asked, coming to stand in front of his friend.

Great. "No 'Hide, I'm okay." Lennox brushed off the Autobot's question and ignored the sympathetic throbbing. His cock knew when it was being talked about.

"That was a face of pain, don't lie to me. I will take you to Ratchet." Here, the robot grinned like a shark to a fish. "You know how he is."

Lennox rolled his eyes; Ratchet had a way of lengthening even the simplest of medical check ups and making it a pain for everyone involved but himself. No one like going to the Autobot medic though everyone knew that when push came to shove, Ratchet was your best bet for immediate first aid and survival.

"It's no big. I'm just hard." The Major waved off Ironhide's threat and admitted to his condition. He hung around his fellow soldiers more than anybody else, and especially after basic, what shame there was over their own bodies tended to be stripped away and everything was owned up to and discussed. Usually in the raunchiest fashion.

"Hard? Is that some kind of illness?" Ironhide questioned, kneeling so that he did not have to look all the way down at his friend and so Lennox did not have to strain up to look at him.

The major chuckled at the naivete of his robot companion. "No, no, it's a slang term for an erection. You know what that is, right?"

Ironhide cocked his head to one side and squinted his eyes, a sure sign that his attention span was elsewhere. "Hmmm... Penile erection is where the penis becomes large and firm as a result of complex reactions. Usually because of sexual arousal." He focused down on the human in front of him. "Are you sexually aroused, Will?"

Lennox couldn't help but laugh at the straightforward way his cock's condition was discussed. "That tends to be why a dick gets hard, 'Hide. It happens; I miss my wife, I like explosions, I don't have any privacy..." He shrugged and adjusted the dig of the M-4's strap on his shoulder. "The guys who aren't married can take leave in a nearby city and visit some accommodating women. All I have is man's best friend." Lennox wiggled his right hand at Ironhide and made a crude gesture in front of his crotch that suggested at masturbation.

"This is a necessary function?"

"Well, kind of. I mean, sex is where babies come from, so it's necessary for the continuation of the human race I s'pose. Guys tend to get blue balls if they don't get off after a while, which I don't really recommend. It also feels nice."

"Hmph." Ironhide grunted as his internet searches provided supplementary information to what Will told him. "Biology. Makes everything complicated. You might as well take care of it before we get back. No one around here to interrupt."

Lennox blinked, nonplussed. Was Ironhide really saying what he thought he was saying?

"You want me to...?"

"Go ahead and masturbate. I don't care what you do, and if it needs to be done away from others then now is a good time." Ironhide looked around, then said in a somewhat comforting tone, "My sensors indicate that there are no NEST personnel within 15 miles and that all Autobot's that are on base are within Diego Garcia boundaries. No one will see you."

Lennox looked skeptical. He remembered some of the circle jerks that would form at the various postings he became a part of, as well as the late nights where some guys would share a rack. But this was nothing like that; Ironhide wasn't trying to come on to him or anything, and it definitely couldn't be construed in any way as cheating on his wife. Like Ironhide said, it was biology.

"Okay, you talked me into it." He hesitated briefly, but then gave up the ghost and eased back onto that lonely patch of stubborn grass.

Carefully placing the M-4 within easy reach, the major reclined in the grass and gazed up at the night sky as he settled into the grass and undid his belt and pant buttons. He did not bother with pulling his BDU's and briefs all the way down, just opening the front of his pants and pulling the briefs far enough down that they caught under his balls. He studiously ignored whatever Ironhide was doing, simply staring at the sky as he grasped his still hard cock. With the first pull on it he knew this wouldn't exactly last long. Lennox thought of Sarah and her soft hands, her long blond hair flowing over his thighs... he spat into his hand to mimic the wetness of her mouth. He closed his hands and let the fantasy of them run rampant; in their bed at home, the sheets smelling of that flowery fabric softener she used, keeping their voices down so they wouldn't wake Annabelle in the next room.

Lennox gasped and tugged on his balls to stave off his orgasm. Too soon. He'd have to make this session last for a little while. He bit his lip and waited out the wave of the pleasure that wanted so badly to crest and take him away. Not yet though, and he tugged a little harder, using the pain to ease his arousal. He varied his strokes, quick-quick slow, slow...palm the head, wet his hand with pre-come, quick-quick slow, slow...

Ironhide watched his brother-in-arms, the unfamiliar sounds and urgent motions disturbing in a way. But when he searched on the internet for subjects related to erections, he discovered that masturbation was considered a normal activity to relieve sexual arousal. He leaned in for a closer look, trying to be quiet so he would not interrupt his friend's semi-private session. Lennox appeared to be sweating, which worried him since the night would be considered cool by human standards. He kept a close eye on the major's vitals, unsure if something would somehow go wrong and what he could do if something_ did_ in fact go wrong.

Lennox felt the heat from Ironhide's vents but dismissed it from his mind. He needed this, he needed the fantasy of being home with Sarah and feeling her touch his body. Just for a little while, he was with her, it wasn't his own hands stroking himself, and she was telling him how much she loved him and how glad she was to see him home, and _I love you Will, I love you so much..._

The major curled on his side and bowed inward as everything clenched tightly and fire raced through his veins and erupted from his cock. He cried out and shuddered in his release, scaring Ironhide even though the Cybertronian would never admit it. As his breathing evened out and the sweat dried on his brow, Ironhide glanced at the liquid that had ejected from Lennox's penis and couldn't help but blurt the question that came to mind.

"Will, you just leaked lubricants. Is that normal?"

Chuckling to himself, Lennox tucked himself back into his briefs and lay back to pull his pants back up and re-do the buttons and belt.

"Yeah Ironhide, that's usually what happens. If it doesn't, that's usually a sign of something wrong." He took a steadying breath and grabbed his M-4, standing and waiting for his muscles to stop feeling like Jello. "I'm ready to head back if you are."

Taking one last look at the wet spots his human friend had expelled onto the grass, Ironhide transformed into the Topkick and opened the passenger door for the other soldier to get in. The ride back was as silent as the ride to the range; neither felt that conversation was absolutely necessary and it worked for their friendship. Stopping in front of the barracks, Lennox got out of the truck and gave the hood an affection pat.

"Take it easy, 'Hide. See ya tomorrow."

"Goodnight, Will."

Ironhide drove off to the Autobot's hangar and made a mental note to talk to Ratchet about human biology.

**-Transformers-**

For those who don't know: BDU - Battle Dress Uniform, the digitized camo that the military changed to a few years ago. Going off of _Revenge of the Fallen_ it looks like Will uses an M-4, but since I'm not a gun nut I can't be for certain.

Not as pleased with this one as the last one, but of course I'll go back later and do a little tweaking as I tend to do. Any guesses as to who's next?


	3. Bobby & Ratchet

**Caught: Ratchet & Robert Epps**

**-Sfortuna**

**-Transformers-**

Ratchet was intrigued, and as anyone who ever knew the Autobot medic for longer than a cycle could tell you, Ratchet intrigued is a dangerous thing indeed.

"Fascinating... So they deal with this problem via manual stimulation?"

Ironhide nodded at his comrade and kept a wary eye on Mudflap and Skids. He didn't like the look in their optics. It was a look that universally screamed _trouble!_

"I told you, I saw it myself. Will implied that such actions are common among the males of his species." The black and chrome Autobot waved negligently at the his brightly colored companion. "Apparently they even get ill if they do not engage in masturbation."

"Really?" Ratchet engaged in internet searches for evidence of such an illness.

Ironhide grunted and headed towards the corner where Mudflap vigorously gestured at Skids, trying to make some kind of point. "Figure it out for yourself. I'm going to check out what they are up to and then head to my meeting with Prime."

Mumbling his own excuses, Ratchet headed for the Medbay/Repair Station that had been built underground for security purposes. On his way he browsed through gigabytes of information on the sexual biology of humanity. It truly was a fascinating subject that he never had a reason to even think of, let alone explore. In the middle of his basement "office" he paused in his walk; Ratchet discovered pornography. If he had known those years ago what it meant to mate in human terms he never would have made that comment about Sam's pheromone levels indicating a desire to engage in such activities with Mikaela. No wonder the two had been so embarrassed! The people of Earth put various and dichotomized views on such actions that it was no wonder no one really spoke of it to the Autobots.

To his left, a high pitched whistling sound was his only warning as a pile of scrap parts suddenly caught fire and a rather large mushroom cloud lazily dispersed into the air.

"Wheeljack!"

The named Autobot popped up from the mess, ash smeared on his torso and face, and laughed.

"It's all under control, Ratchet, I assure you." He turned a Cybertronian sized fire extinguisher on the small blaze and quickly put it out. The smoke, however, would have to be left to disperse on it's own.

"I'm not going to even begin to lecture you this time. If you haven't listened after this long, then I doubt you will start today. Just get out from under my plates for a while."

Sensing that now would be detrimental time to argue, Wheeljack hastily left the Medbay and Ratchet, planning on using the time to work in theory if not in practice on his current project.

Frowning at his now messier space, Ratchet ex-vented heavily in a robot version of a sigh. He waved his hand in the air and set about for some kind of fan to expedite the clearing of the air. While the smoke was not in any way damaging to any of the Autobots, that didn't mean it wasn't a bit of an annoyance. Just as he found an ugly but useful fan and set it to work, Ratchet's internal communication system pinged as urgently as a non-sentient noise could.

"_Mudflap and Skids have done something to Sergeant Epps!_" Ironhide's voice growled.

"_Location?_" Ratchet queried back as he checked that the small human section of the Medbay was in order and then hurried to the elevator.

"_Hanger One, though those two will soon have their permanent address as the Pit!_"

As the elevator's grille retracted at the ground floor, Ratchet became immediately inundated with the yelps of Mudflap and Skids (in English and Cybertronian) as Ironhide shook them. A cannon on each arm pointed at the head of a short Autobot in each fist. As amusing as that was, the medic searched for Epps; he lay on the floor twenty feet from where Ironhide put the fear of Primus in the Twins. Jolt and Wheeljack hovered over the clearly in pain man who lay proned out on the concrete floor.

"Give me some room." Ratchet ordered as he kneeled by Epps. Putting his sensors to work, he quickly found the source of agony. "And how did they manage to break his leg in three places?"

Epps cracked open his eyes and spoke through a grimace, "I guess no one told them that just because I'm in the Air Force don't mean I can't fly all by my lonesome."

Deciding to ignore the dizzying amount of possibilities that could have led to this situation, Ratchet administered a dose of painkillers. "Sergeant Epps, I am going to take you to our facilities to set and immobilize your leg. I think it would be best if you stayed there until tomorrow at the very least."

Already feeling floaty with the drugs in his system, all Epps could muster was a weak, "Sure thing Doc."

After reminding Ironhide that their Prime would be rather upset if he murdered two allies, on base no less, the medical officer took his new patient down to his office and gently placed him on a stainless steel table. Epps drifted in and out as Ratchet removed his boots, uniform pants, and socks, careful to avoid jarring a protruding bone, and went to work setting the bone. When he realized that he would need to screw bone sections together he began an IV and carefully administered anesthesia. For a robot used to combat medicine on much larger and angrier patients, setting bones was a surprisingly simple task. Yet in no way did Ratchet take the health of his patient in any regard other than serious.

Finishing his task, Ratchet removed the man's BDU shirt, leaving the undershirt on, and transferred him to a relatively comfortable cot. He left the IV in, tucked the clean sheets around Epps' body, and made sure the cast was immobilized. He sent an email to the proper NEST personnel that would need to be informed of the sergeant's injuries, adding a personalized touch to Lennox's about how Ironhide reacted to the Twins' miscalculation. The rest of the day he spent close to the Medbay keeping close tabs on the man's condition, and when he found himself with nothing to really do other than reorganize spare parts for the hundredth time he returned his attention to studies on human sexual behavior and related biology.

By the next morning his research took him through legitimate medical journals, wikipedia articles, blogs, forums, and various not safe for work websites. All of them summed up what Ironhide told him a couple days ago: biology is complicated. He considered all this as he headed to what the soldier's called the mess.

Epps woke up not long after Ratchet left. After one glance at his surroundings he knew he was in the medics territory and groaned. Everyone knew they were in good hands with Ratchet, but that didn't mean anyone had to like it. He tugged at his covers and bared the broken left leg and cast.

"Aw hell no. This is shit right here." He sat up, careful of the IV, and felt around the edges of the cast. The skin felt tender, but other than that he felt strangely pain-free. "Doc must have me on some good shit." Epps sighed and stared at the IV. "Man, this is gonna suck."

When Ratchet came back, Epps had himself propped up in the bed with the covers pulled up to his waist but the cast uncovered.

"Good morning Sergeant. Are you in any pain?" The large medic handed down a human-sized food tray with the NEST version of breakfast.

"'M fine Doc. You got me doped up on some good stuff. Any idea when I can get outta here?"

Ratchet watched as the soldier slowly ate his breakfast. "I would like to keep you here for at least a full day to be sure that there are no side effects from the surgery. If you think you can manage to be here that long."

Epps snorted and finished off his eggs before moving on to his toast. "Listen, you're gonna have to get me some kind of entertainment up in here if you want me for a full day. I can't handle all this laying around twiddling my thumbs bull."

"You will have plenty of visitors to keep you company."

And Ratchet was right. Throughout the day the sergeant had his brothers-in-arms visiting his little corner of the Medbay; Lennox dropped by soon after breakfast, one of his few free moments before a recon mission that Epps should have been going on with him. Other NEST soldiers came and went as their schedules allowed, Wheeljack would wonder in and out and provide some amusement while he searched for parts for whatever current project, and Jolt even played a few hands of poker with the deck in Epps' ruined BDU pants. Of course, even when Jolt swore he wasn't counting cards, he still won more often than not which led to emphatic swearing on the part of the bedridden man.

In the evening, Ratchet took the food tray from Epps and told him that he would be gone for a little while. The medic had only been gone ten minutes when the sergeant got restless. The lights had been dimmed in deference to human sleeping habits, leaving him staring into the gloom at metal parts and bored out of his mind. He wanted to sleep, he really did, because that would mean relief from the painkillers side effects.

Robert Epps was the one in one hundred millionth person who had an unexplainable and odd reaction to medications. Especially pain medications. Most NEST personnel were of the macho sort that avoided taking painkillers as a pride thing. Epps avoided them because they aroused him. The only doctors he'd ever talked too about it could not explain this beyond bizarre reaction, so like a lot of things in his life he just took it in stride. Unfortunately, he became injured quite a lot and was prescribed these types of pills often. He hardly ever took them. Of course, he had no choice what with Ratchet mainlining into his veins the very stuff that caused this reaction.

All of the visits and now the restless shifting... nothing doing. Still half-hard and begging for an excuse.

Epps groaned and stubbornly put his hands under his head. He couldn't see the ceiling other than as a bland shadow above him, so counting the ceiling tiles was a no-go. He'd already memorized the shapes of the scrap across the room. The curtain that could be pulled for privacy, the nightstand with a lamp, cupboards full of God only knew what.

"Pull yourself together Bobby." Epps muttered to himself. It wouldn't have been so difficult if it hadn't been so long since his last leave. "Fuck."

Ratchet _had_ said he would be gone for a while. And it's not like it would take him all that long... just this one time would do him a world of good.

Wishing he could just go to sleep, Epps halfheartedly slid his hand under the covers and into his briefs and tried to lay back and think of his country. At this point in his life he was tired of having this reaction. A guy should get aroused over hot chicks, big guns, and fast cars, not because some pills messed around with his brain and wham, erection time. He just wanted to sleep and have tomorrow be today so he could get out o here and be in his own rack. As much as he liked the Autobots, the Medbay was creepy as fuck with all the robot parts laying around.

He heard the elevator start up and hastily removed hand from beneath his briefs and the sheets. Ratchet exited as soon as it settled and came over to where Epps lay.

"My sensors tell me you are in distress. Do you need more medication?" The medic examined the IV bag that had been changed earlier.

Mentally swearing a blue streak the sergeant acted cool. "Naw, it's all good Doc. Just a little twinge is all."

"You're sweating. It has to be more than a little twinge. I think I'll increase your dose, just for tonight."

Epps paled as Ratchet went to those robot-sized cupboards and presumably started searching for more drugs.

"No, no no no no. Ratchet, please."

Frowning, the medic turned to his visibly perturbed patient. The man almost never called any of the Autobots by their given designations.

"Listen, I don't need any more of that stuff. I can barely feel my leg as is."

"Then what seems to be the problem?"

He sighed and nervously rubbed a hand over his clean shaven head. "I don't like painkillers man. They give me a weird side-effect." Ratchet turned his full attention to the calmer but still antsy soldier in bed. "I don't know why, and as far as I know doctors don't know why either, but pain pills do this thing to me. Funky brain thing..." His words trailed off into indiscriminate muttering. But with Ratchet's superior hearing technology, he was able to parse out what the man mumbled.

The answer peaked his recent interests.

"Really? The chemicals in most pain-relief medications cause arousal in your nervous system?"

If a man with skin as dark as the sergeants could blush, Epps' face would be a night light. He like his body and all the crazy things that it got him through, but this unwelcome reaction was not something he particularly cared for and tended to be more of an embarrassment than anything else.

"That's fascinating. I want to observe this anomaly."

The soldier blanched and held his hands out in front of him as if to ward off the Cybertronian's curiosity.

"Woah Doc, this isn't exactly something that a person does in front of God and everyone. Well, at least _I_ don't! It's a private thing!"

"Major Lennox masturbated in front of Ironhide."

"Listen, I don't - _what?_"

"He complained of having no time to himself to engage in that activity and Ironhide said that he could fulfill his needs near him. Ironhide played lookout, I believe."

Epps shook his head and put that information in his mental 'Not My Chair, Not My Problem' Box.

"That's all good for him, but we are not the same dude."

"I am aware of that. If it makes you feel better, consider it a medical necessity. As your doctor it is my duty to be kept aware of all your health needs. Including this." Ratchet sat next to the bed and tried to console the man. "With us, these matters are not nearly as private or complicated. Sexual needs aren't quite equatable to a Cybertronian, but we do have the need for intimacy and closeness. This is just a biological sub-function that must be taken care of, much like relieving oneself of waste materials. It isn't something to be hidden."

"Oh God." Epps flopped back onto the bed. "If I do this will you just not talk to me anymore? Ever?"

The medic made a sound that could be likened to a human snorting at a joke.

"Okay, just let me go tomorrow and we'll call this even. But if I ever hear about this I'm coming after your big metal ass with a blowtorch and the Twins. And they owe me too after this. Especially after this!"

So taking his bruised ego in hand and using the blind stubbornness that was a marked trait in every combat-ready NEST soldier, the sergeant pulled his covers off with his left hand and pulled his briefs down with his right. Immediately his cock popped up so greet the two and take in some fresh air. Doing his level best to ignore the giant robot sitting close by, he grasped it in his right hand and put his left arm over his eyes. The IV taped to his left arm was now handily out of the way and not in any danger of being pulled out as he set a rather demanding pace.

Simply put, Epps handled his cock roughly. The organ swiftly caught on and finished expanding to full hardness; he probably never had any size complaints from his sexual partners. He studiously put his mind of a lovely scene of a beach and a hot little number in an even smaller bikini as he worked at his dick. Every twist of his wrist, flick of his fingers, and squeezing grip aimed at getting off as quickly as possible. It didn't take long for sweat to break out, his pulse to rise, and the pleasure to flush through his body like the drugs that put him in this state in the first place. This wasn't a leisurely jerk for fun, it was business, and he wanted it over with so he could sleep and get damn nosey Ratchet to back off.

As he came the back of his mind absently noted how crazy his life had gotten because of even crazier giant talking robots.

The soldier's pleasure-high dissipated quickly. He took his undershirt off, spotted with his own semen, and wiped at his hands and dick. He dropped it on the ruined BDU's by his bed and pulled up his briefs.

"Satisfied?" He self-consciously asked, feeling better already despite it all.

"Yes. Most intriguing..." Ratchet made thoughtful noises and stood from his viewing point. "I thank you for this opportunity, and I will do some work to see if we can't solve that side-effect. Get some sleep Sergeant, and I will have someone take you back to your quarters tomorrow after breakfast.

Epps thanked whoever was looking after his sorry ass, pulling the covers over his now mostly naked body and relaxing into the mattress. The tension that had fallen over him during the past 24 hours was gone and he felt peaceful enough to finally drift off.

_Crazy robots_ he thought to himself.

**-Transformers-**

I couldn't help but base Ratchet's reactions after my psychology prof. She says 'fascinating' and 'intriguing' a lot, though I doubt she would act like this when it comes to, well, sexy injured men with weird drug reactions. Which, I'm fairly certain, there is no actual reaction like this to any drug, except for those meant to work for guys with erectile dysfunction.

Got some interesting responses to my question... and a few seeds were planted in my mind last night when I read them. Here's a treat for my readers: the first person to figure out the reference I made to a semi-popular YouTube video, I will write an "interlude" of that persons choice to the best of my ability. Deadline: have to figure it out before I post the next chapter, which should give you a day at the least. Good hunting!


	4. Simmons & Skids & Mudflap

**Caught: Simmons & Mudflap & Skids**

**-Sfortuna**

**-Transformers-**

If anyone had been paying attention to the street at nearly eleven at night, they would have found it peculiar that a Chevrolet Trax and Beat were running amok on the street. The drivers must have had more than a few screws loose; they drove circles around each other, ran into each other, and would stop and start for no apparent reason. The few unlucky drivers that were out had near heart-attacks at the antics of the brownish orange and bright green cars. And if anyone got close they would have heard unexplainable arguing, as if the drivers were yelling at each other through open windows. The only problem with that is neither car had open windows, nor any driver to speak of.

Luckily, the two Autobots in disguise found the building they were looking for without causing any physical or mentally scarring damage.

"Remind me again why we're here?" Mudflap interrupted his brother.

"You bolt-brain, because Optimus told us to! We're doing recon!" Skids transformed, his bright green Chevy Beat exterior breaking up and shifting into a smallish Cybertronian.

"On his punk-ass? What would he know?" Mudflap followed suit and stood next to his brother.

"A lot apparently! Don't you remember how he help the kid out? Got us to Egypt and Jordan didn't he?"

"Yeah! After we brought back a Decepticon!"

"Details!"

The two went to hit the other at exactly the same time and ended up doing an awkward fist bump instead. Mudflap kicked Skids in the shin and Skids smacked Mudflap on the back of the helm. A dog started barking from a nearby building.

"Ssshh! Recon means quiet!" Skids hissed to his brother.

"And quiet means _shut up!_" Mudflap hissed back.

Almost simultaneously they crouched low, as if to better hide their alien bodies from prying eyes, and scoped out the area. Skids and Mudflap could not be called the sanest or smartest robots from space, but they did do their job quite well when they put their minds to it. They did not find any prying human eyes; most were either in bed already or zoned out in front of a television. Satisfied that they wouldn't be compromised in the near future, they got close to their targeted building and paused.

"Listen, I ain't bottoming this time. It's your turn."

"Hey, I was your _butt_ for over one Earth month! You owe me!"

Mudflap had a point. "I'm older."

"No you're not! I remember our sparking, I came first!"

This would have gone for quite some time if both hadn't, as tended to happen with the Twins, had the same exact idea.

"Loser gets bottom." Skids told his brother.

"Deal!"

They both said in unison, "_Three, two, one, shoot!_"

A single game of Rock, Paper, Scissors decided it. Mudflap put out scissors, but Skids beat him with rock. Mudflap grumbled quite a bit as he stood next to the building and let his brother clim on his shoulders to peak in the windows.

"Watch the doors!"

"I'll watch your doors if you stop flattening my foot!"

"I'll stop flattening your foot if you get them off that Energon line!"

And so it went until they got into a semi-agreeable position to both and Skids carefully looked in the windows, dimming his optics as best he could to avoid being spotted should he actually see anyone. The first window yielded a kitchen, the second, a bedroom with an old lady snoring loud enough to wake the dead, and the third occupied by a very much awake man sitting in front of a computer.

"_Target spotted!_" Skids commed Mudflap.

"_Success! So what's the what?_"

Skids went to reply, but then the scene displayed in front of him registered in his processors.

"_Uhhh..._"

Former Sector Seven Special Agent Gene Simmons (of no relation to the KISS frontman) sat in a worn computer chair in front of his desk. The rather expensive computer in front of him played something that involved naked people wrestling with each other. He found it hard to hear what was going on, the former agent having plugged in a pair of also very expensive headphones to listen to the show. The weirdest part of it though was that Simmons sat there in a white wife-beater and naked from the waist down, his hand wrapped around some fleshy appendage that rose from a black bushy nest of hair. Skids did a quick search on human anatomy, discovering that this strange thing Simmons kept running his hand over was called a penis.

"_What the hell man, tell me what's going on!_" Mudflap poked at his brother's sensitive ankle tires, making Skids squeak in surprise.

Luckily for them both, those expensive headphones cut out quite a bit of external noise so the Autobot presence continued to be unnoticed.

"_I don't think I can explain this..._" Skids opened up video feed so Mudflap could see everything he saw.

"_Woah baby!_"

"_I second that with a 'Have mercy'!_"

Simmons started to mutter himself and Skids fine tuned his audio to catch what the man was saying.

"That's right, you sexy criminal you. Oh yeah, criminals are sooooo hot. Handcuff her, handcuff her..."

The mans hips twitched in his seat, making it move as the wheels rolled around, and he dug his feet into the carpet to steady the chair. His mutterings debased into little growls and grunts. His hand moved over his penis faster and Skids wondered if it was possible for him either crush it or pull it right off.

And then he brought his other hand up, biting into the thick of his forearm as he underwent some sort of paralysis and sighed. The appendage in his hand started it's own shaking and whitish liquid squirted from it like a severed Energon line. It splattered on the desk, even hitting the computer monitor, and a few seconds later it was over. Simmons relaxed back into his chair, licking off what little liquid got onto his hand, and then put them behind his head. He smirked to himself and continued to watch the now dirty screen.

"_I have no idea what we just saw, but I feel kinda dirty._" Mudflap said after a minute.

"_Y'know, I think we should go with low-key recon. Cars?_" Skids suggested.

"_Definitely._"

Skids got off of Mudflap's shoulders and they both changed into their non-conspicuous alternate forms.

In the morning, Mrs. Simmons commented to her son about the odd cars parked in front of their deli and complained about kids and their stupid cars. Her son took one look at the cars and smirked, telling her to call a tow truck.

She tottered off and Simmons smirked at the Autobots.

"This will teach you to watch a man in a private moment."

Optimus Prime was not exactly pleased when he told Major Lennox that the Twins had to be sprung from impound.

**-Transformers-**

The Twins made me crack up so hard, and I couldn't help but have them being obnoxiously nosey on Simmons. Who apparently doesn't have a first name, so I made one up. I certainly don't remember his first name ever being mentioned anyways, unless it was in _Dark of the Moon_. I was too busy drooling over all the action and Optimus, Lennox, and Epps being the total badasses they are.

I have another challenge! Same rules as before: I've used two lines from well known 80's-90's sitcom (right next to each other, hinthint). Tell me from what sitcom, and hopefully which characters use them though that's not necessary, and I promise an "interlude" of the winners choice written as best as I can. Gotta find it before next chapter posting though! Bonus if you catch a phrase used in a well-known 90's-00's show.


	5. Sam & Bee

**Caught: Bumblebee & Sam Witwicky**

**-Sfortuna**

**-Transformers-**

Sam's problem with finding another girlfriend could be stated quite simply: the first (and only) one had fallen into a relationship with him because giant alien robots decided to invade and take over Earth. Since the Autobots were currently preventing that, fat chance of having that drop another hot girl in his lap. So, against his better judgement, he decided to go to a few of those dumb frat parties with Leo. He thought that maybe not every girl there was interested in guys with big muscles and tight shirts. He hung around for a couple hours, having a beer and trying to be outgoing but not weird.

_"No sacrifice, no victory!"_

He sacrificed his dignity upon the altar of hot college girls and found himself with a busty blond, her tan an incongruity with the brightness of her hair. As a sophomore, Bumblebee could now hang out on campus with him and be there to pick him and his new "friend" up. He parked in a relatively deserted area in a lot near his dorm and she wasted no time in crawling over the gearshift and into his lap. Before Sam even thought of touching or saying anything to her she had her mouth on his and her tongue halfway down his throat. For a moment he worried that she could be a Decepticon, but figured if she started to change on him Bumblebee would let him know and take care of it.

Sam quite happily played tonsil hockey with... Amanda, his mildly intoxicated brain supplied him with. Then his hand was up her shirt, her hands playing with his belt, and Sam was ready to go in nothing flat. They were interrupted by a cell phone ringtone.

The girl in his lap slowly backed off, nipping his lip and reaching over to the passenger seat where she'd left her clutch. She pulled out a brightly decorated iPhone, the ringtone becoming clear as Akon's "Right Now."

_I wanna make love right now now now..._ "Hello? Mhmmm, yeah, I'm with someone right now..." She smiled at Sam and started twirling her long hair with the fingers of her other hand. Sam couldn't hear what was being said by the other person, just indiscriminate sounds from whoever spoke. "Really? Wow, really? Yeah, we'll be there in a bit. Bye-eeee!" She hung up and stuffed the phone back in her shiny clutch and grinned down at Sam. "My friend scored us some pot. He says it's reeeeeallly good..." Amanda leaned down trailed kisses from Sam's mouth to his ear. "I'm ready to go meet him. We'll have a good time Sammy."

As much as Sam was into her, he definitely wasn't into drugs. Especially not after what happened to his Mom when she ate those pot brownies.

"Uhh, that's okay, I'm not really into that kind of stuff. How about we just stay here?" He tried to kiss her, but she put on that face that it seemed all women shared; the I'm Not Happy Because You've Said Something Stupid Again, Dumbass look. "What?"

"Uhm, hell-oooo!" She flipped her incredibly blond hair over one shoulder. "Do you expect me to pass this up? MY friend gets good stuff, and I'm not going to miss it just because you're straight edge or whatever." Amanda opened the car door and got out, leaving Sam sitting with an empty lap and in a daze. "Maybe I'll see you later."

Sam watched her sashay off into the night, the campus safety lights reflecting off her clothes and hair, until she rounded a building and out left his line of sight.

"Did that really just happen?" he asked.

Bumblebee sat silently for a moment, then let out some static through the radio to express his own confusion. He gently closed the door, encasing his charge in the safety of his vehicle mode.

_Yeah, an' I like my women just a little on the trashy side,_

_When they wear their clothes too tight and their hair is dyed._

_Too much lipstick an' too much rouge,_

_Gets me excited, leaves me feeling confused._

_An' I like my women just a little on the trashy side._

"God, Bee, that isn't helping!" Sam moaned, letting his forehead rest on the leather-wrapped steering wheel and staring down at his lap. Once again, he found himself in the untenable position of being incredibly aroused with no help in sight; this time in an Autobot and a little more than mildly intoxicated. "Why is this happening to me? Has saving the world somehow cursed me for life?" His hands fisted on his thighs and he lightly banged his head on the wheel.

Without any real thought Sam grasped his hard cock and the barriers of jeans and boxers with his right hand. The sensations danced between painful and pleasurable; he couldn't help but moan and curse.

"What am I s'posed to do? A guy can't live with all this hot and cold bull." He sat up, not relinquishing his grip, and reached out to touch Bumblebee's dash. "Right Bee? Us guys got to stick together. Bros before ho's." He roughly stroked, biting his lip and tensing up in the drivers seat. "If it weren't for you guys, I never would have gotten Mikaela in the first place. I couldn't even keep her!"

So caught up in his own self-pity/pleasure party Sam neglected to notice his friend shifting into gear and driving away from the college. He continued to mumble partly to himself and partly to the Cybertronian he sat in. Apparently, alcohol took away his budding observational skills.

Bumblebee drove to a warehouse that, while used during the day as someone's storage, tended to be deserted at night. There was enough leftover space that he could transform and move around, and he did so. That is when Sam decided to become aware that his surroundings had changed and sat in stupefaction as his guardian changed in such a way that he ended up sitting in the palm of the Autobot's hand. Looking down at the human, the blue of his optics shining in the gloom, Bumblebee tentatively nudged Sam's hand away from his crotch and brought the young adult closer to his face.

"Is it broken?" he asked, accompanying the query with a poke to the area in question. Of course that only made matters worse for the young man; the pressure could only be described as delicious, especially since the Autobot's tended to run a bit warmer than the average human's temperature. Bumblebee was quick to remove the offending appendage, but Sam only grabbed at it and brought that forefinger back to the source. "Sam?"

His friend ignored the questions and held on tighter. He lay his torso on the length of the digit, resting his forehead on the foreign metal and sat so that his legs were spread but he could still use them for leverage. Leverage that allowed him to thrust up and create his own delicious feelings with the unknowing assistance of a very confused alien robot. It took very little time and effort for the orgasm to rush over him; his hips snapped into the sensations as he let it all take him away and he released into his underwear.

In the aftermath Sam slumped all his weight onto the digit and his muscles went lax. Bumblebee carefully supported his body and managed to lay him out on his back. He could now only be described as "out cold." The Cybertronian self-consciously changed back into a Camaro with Sam proned out in the back seat and drove back to campus.

The next morning Sam barely made it to a restroom before vomiting his guts out. Understanding the vomiting as an effect of excessive alcoholic intake, he only worried as one who cares for another tends to worry. But the confusing behavior that ended the night worried Bumblebee on a completely different level. So, instead of researching, he simply asked their medic.

Using a coded frequency, he got in touch with Ratchet and explained what had happened.

_Well. That is intriguing behavior. Ratchet paused, issuing static that let the other know he had something else to say. You do know that this is human sexual behavior? I believe that Samuel was in dire straights, attempting to relieve himself before he attained what is commonly known as "Blue Balls." It's a rather uncomfortable illness from what I have read. I believe they call what he did mutual masturbation, or something to that effect._

_But why did he involve me?_

_Obviously the intoxicants in his system had him mistaking you for a female of his species. I wouldn't worry about it, so long as he recovers from it today._

Still somewhat confused, Bee thanked the other Autobot and made a note to do some research of his own. After he was sure Sam made it to his room and did not become even more ill as the day progressed.

**-Transformers-**

Whew, sorry this took a while. I've been running crazy with a week full of birthdays, renovating the front and back yard, trying to (and succeeding in!) finding a job, etc etc. I find that typing "Bumblebee" is difficult for me to achieve correctly the first time.

Because apparently my sick and twisted quizzes are hard, I'll give you lovely people this: the first person to review this chapter will get the mentioned prize of a chapter of their own, pairing and situation of their choosing to the best of my ability.


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